Finding Divine Purpose in Alcoholism, Etc.
When you are in a relationship with an alcoholic or anyone exhibiting unhealthy behaviors, your primary task is to heal yourself. Yes, it is totally valid to want to heal another, but you need to be aware of the whole picture. His (or her) behavior is in your life for a spiritual purpose. That doesn’t mean it should be left alone and not dealt with, but rather that the arena of healing is not just in him, but in you. He is in your life as as divine stimulation for your issues and to awaken real love in place of codependency. Thank him inwardly for it and inwardly say “I free you not to change until I learn my lesson.” Mean it and you will make huge progress.
One of my core teachings is that all negative emotion is an attempt to get something from others. Put kindly, it is a leftover from our infancy when we cried and fussed to get what we wanted because that was all we knew how to do. We were indeed dependent and helpless then, but as adults we must put that away and turn to action. As SPIRITUAL adults we must next learn to do the inner work/play to create what we want. That means meditation, forgiveness, love, compassion, letting go, accepting self and others as is while doing what is appropriate to maintain balance and function.
Again, all negative emotion is about trying to get something from someone else. It operates in separation rather than Oneness, which works via vibration of consciousness. This is embodied in what is called manifesting or the law of attraction. When you try to change another by mere material world action you are fighting separation, but vibrational changes in your own consciousness circumvent the idea/domain of separation and operate in the Oneness from which all manifestation arises. Then you have no one to fight, beg, manipulate, appease, avoid, bargain with or hate. And there is no one to condemn. All behaviors you experience anywhere are matters of your own consciousness and not of others. You have no bothers outside yourself, and all your solutions are within.
The process of shifting from material avenues to vibrational/spiritual avenues is aided by disciplines that help change your brain – literally. To aid you in the overall process of spiritual growth I suggest meditation in particular. That will train your mind/brain to function on higher paths and enable you to be more peaceful, etc. Remember that meditation is also a form of exercise and just like any physical practice it may take time to build your meditation muscles. Like in learning anything, you literally grow new brain connections and even cells when you practice something so your brain can support it, and if you can do it just weakly at first you can get stronger, so have faith and keep at it. Acorns don’t give up because the aren’t oak trees yet, but they know they qualify and won’t consider anything else.
Another thing you have to be mindful of with a person participating in addiction is that his social life is likely tied into his vice. That will be a major challenge to overcome. Drug addicts and criminals backslide if they don’t change their social patterns. For some it means never associating with other users, but for others it means a firm spiritual change and resolution. He won’t be able to hang out in the pubs or bars or with friends while they are drinking. He will need to socialize with his friends in a different way, away for alcohol, or make other friends. He needs to understand that this is okay, and to understand that however much he cares about his friends, a toxic element in his life is poison to him and those he loves. Love them, leave them and know there are other people who will be wonderful friends who aren’t drinkers. Toxic is toxic.
There are absolute values – vibrationally speaking. That doesn’t mean we condemn those toxic things, but rather simply see toxic is not what we want and could never be. And as I state here, while this is a toxic behavior, the whole point of it is not merely to stamp it out but to clear out the other toxins, which are of our own consciousness – condemnation, unforgiveness, material attachments, the use of any sort of negativity to change your life or the life of another. All material toxins in your life – including the people in your life – arise from spiritual errors in your own consciousness. Clear them out and you will see your life and those around you rise with you.
Also, the alcoholic or any person in a harmful pattern needs to really grasp the low value of that behavior regardless of what others want from them or what they think they are getting out of it. They also have to decide they want something better and won’t compromise. Caring for others and self is critical in that decision. The universal law is that giving is receiving and receiving is giving. When they can quit drinking because they both care about others and themselves too much, then they will get progress in the process and gain traction. They have to have a reason, and giving out of spiritual love (not “if you love me you will…” but “because I love/value/care I won’t do that anymore”), both to self and others, and in freedom, is the most powerful motivator.
The power of acceptance and forgiveness are enormous. The earth turns on them, and could grind to a halt without them. How to accept? How to forgive? Abandon blame and judgment as a tool to get. Rather, receive by vibration. Just forgiving and accepting others as they are is itself a massive vibrational shift, and often that is all that is needed to create change, but do it not merely to make a change but because you mean it, because the flaw that needs to be fixed is not the external (materialistic) thing but the inner spiritual error of not forgiving and accepting. Look at the outer flaw as merely an indicator, stimulation, for pointer to the next spiritual “cleanup” for your own inner workings. Bless it and thank God that this has come to you so you can attain your most precious desire, which is expression of Spiritual Truth, love and peace in this world.
The core of the whole situation is the inner, spiritual process you are there for. Whatever this is about, the inner solutions to your ego consciousness are the whole point of the matter. This focus is the difference between materialism, which is trying to change the outer due to person to person desires, and spiritual practice, which is all about you changing your consciousness regardless of the supposedly proper outer outcome you might desire or get.
Remember you are not here to change him but to serve Truth through your own growth in your relationship with him. If it is indeed in the cards to bring him out of alcoholism, then it will happen, but your experience, whatever that will be, is cued directly out of your own consciousness and lesson needs. If ultimately you “fail” to bring him out of alcoholism but succeed in your own lessons and growth, then that is a total success. You must be willing for that to happen, as if he has chosen to remain that way – perhaps for the larger purpose of later being a motivation for others to come – then love him despite it, even if you have to go your own way personally or professionally. You don’t have to prove yourself by fixing him. Let go of that. The whole point of your existence is love and other aspects of spiritual truth.
Note: Alcoholism is a big issue, especially when the body and mind have been conditioned to it for so long, but it’s not necessarily difficult to overcome – for both of you. ACIM says, “Nothing is difficult that is wholly desired.” Yet beware of fix-him-ism. Don’t be attached to changing the other person. Rather, desire greater wellness in all the world, and build it through your own spiritual process.
Get and read a book called Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie, and/or other books by the same author or other books recommended on co-dependency. You will be amazed at the pervasiveness of co-dependency.